Parenting a RAD child

I have found that being a parent is hard. I have 2 daughters that are 23 months apart. This has made for some challenging times since they are so close in age. When the oldest was going out of a phase the younger one was entering it making no time for any breaks in between. It seems to feel like I am always going with no stopping points until the youngest is over that stage/phase and entering into the next. Both of my girls are now in school full time leaving me with time to breathe during the day which has been a nice change of pace.

Let me introduce my oldest daughter for a moment. She can be so sweet and loving at times but then become the meanest child around. She has said to me that she hates me, that I am the worst mom ever and that she wishes I were dead. This statement usually comes after I tell her no she cannot do something she wants to do or when she gets in trouble for doing something naughty. Other times she tells me I am the best mom ever and she never wants to be without me. So as you can see we have a roller coaster of emotions and words going on. We have had other issues with her as well at home and at school.

All of these issues at home and at school led us to take her to a therapist to see if we could help her learn some coping skills as we knew as parents that she has ADHD and Anxiety. The therapist confirmed both of these but then said that she also has RAD also know as Reactive Attachment Disorder. This confused us because she is not adopted and has not been abused or harmed in anyway and all of her needs have been met from infant to now so how could our daughter have RAD?

The therapist explained that when I had to have my double mastectomy 4 years ago the trauma from seeing me in the hospital for days, having to be cared for by my mother (her grandmother) because I was unable to do so and from me not being able to hold her or play with her and seeing me at home with the drains and sick are what triggered her RAD. She felt abandoned and pushed away. She felt her needs were no longer being met since I was not the one meeting them. I never meant to cause this issue and was trying to create a world where I was able to be here for my children. I unknowingly and without meaning too caused a mental illness in my child!

You see children with Reactive Attachment Disorder are like your everyday normal child in many ways and sometimes they can be above average intellegence. The thing is they are normal children except they cannot form the healthy attachments that we make, they do not understand cause and effect thinking making them hard to discipline because they do not understand the relation between what they did and the punishment, they struggle with problem solving and analytical thinking making schooling hard for them, they also feel like they have to be in control at all times otherwise they may get hurt.

Parenting a child with RAD is extremely difficult and exhausting. The child typically will not do what you ask or tell them to do because it is not their decision or if they do what you ask it will be how they want to do it. If I tell my daughter to go sit on the couch she will usually take the longest and slowest route to get there but if she decides to sit on the couch she will do it quickly and in the shortest route possible. She has no sense of personal space, she is nosy about others but will not tell you anything about her, she can be very destructive of others property, she is the worst at self-care and we fight over little things like taking a shower or wiping after she uses the toilet, she does things at her pace only and will go slower if you try to get her to hurry up or will go faster if you try to get her to slow down. She is always loud, making sounds, singing or talking. She is always asking questions that she knows the answers too, asks the same question over and over or asks a question she knows there is not an answer too. She can be the on being bullied or she can easily become the bully.  She will have potty accidents to show she is in control and if you get mad, upset or frustrated then she is getting the reaction she wants. She knows how to push each and every button you have to make you get upset and angry which is what she is trying to do. She is also know to lie, makeup stories or blame others to make herself look better. These are all characteristics of RAD and make parenting and teaching her hard.

I have had parents say things to me about how my daughter acts or how I handle the situation. I have been mom shamed because they think my child is out of control and I should do better and discipline her properly. I have become the yelling mom because you feel you have no other way to handle things (this is a common trait of a parent with a RAD child) yet showing emotion provokes the episode my daughter is having and yes we call her outbursts or actions as episodes because they come and go. People say I am cold to my daughter because I cannot treat her the same as you would a normal child, I have to try to show no emotion when she has done something wrong. She will hug others and will push me away but then again at time she will hug me and want me. People just don't get how hard it is to have a child with RAD and how much of an emotional toll it takes on you.

I will be posting links at the end of this post that will route you to more information about RAD. I want to promote a sense of awareness to others that see a parent acting "cold" or "unloving" to their child or when you see a child that is "undisciplined" and thinking the parents are not doing their job. I want people to understand that it is hard and that we are doing our very best to be the best parents we can to our children and sometimes parenting has to look different from one child to the next. Please understand that parents of children with mental disorders of any sort are doing their very best and should not be judged but should be supported. They should be told that you are there for them or that you see they are doing a great job and to hold their heads up high.

Links to RAD information resources remember majority of kids with RAD are adopted children who had very bad pasts and most resources refer to those instances as they are far greater and much more common that the ones like ours:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-behavioral/2018/05/why-parents-of-r-a-d-children-always-look-like-aholes/

https://www.thechaosandtheclutter.com/archives/wish-knew-parenting-child-rad

https://www.thechaosandtheclutter.com/reactive-attachment-disorder-resources

https://www.appliedbehavioranalysisprograms.com/lists/five-coping-strategies-parents-kids-rad-reactive-attachment-disorder/

What is My Crazy Dragon Life?

I know you must be thinking what have I stumbled upon and what in the world is My Crazy Dragon Life? Well I am here to clarify that for you. Let me introduce myself and explain what my blog is about.

My name is Dusty Mondragon. I am the mother to 2 beautiful girls and the wife of an amazing husband. This is where the idea for My Crazy Dragon Life came from. Being a wife and mother is fun and all but man are there times of craziness, fighting and drama! My blog is about life and the craziness that comes with it. We have school drama, home drama, and family drama. I know all mothers and wives can relate to many of the things we deal with on a daily basis but somethings you may not be able to relate to as well but it always good to hear that others have crazy lives too. (The Dragon portion of my blog name comes from my last name Mondragon. I felt Dragon sounded much more fun than Mondragon.)

I hope that my blog can help someone feel good about themselves. Knowing that "I'm not the only one" or "It's not just me or my kids" as I have felt at many times that I must be the only one experiencing this or it's just me or my kids going through this. When I find out someone else has experienced what I have, I feel relief. Lets be honest, the worst mom-shaming comes from us moms being critical of ourselves! Don't get me wrong, plenty of people out there mom shame (which needs to stop) but we do it to ourselves a lot of the time as well. I am plenty guilty of mom-shaming myself! With this said please join me on my journey of My Crazy Dragon Life